


Denial Waits

by just_chiara



Series: Somewhere Between Broken and Happy [3]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Attraction, Best Friends, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Canon Disabled Character, Coming Out, Day At The Beach, Disabled Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, High School, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Slash, Normal Life, POV Third Person, Party Games, Physical Disability, Post-Season/Series 02, References To Canon Suicide Attempt, References to Depression, Sexuality Crisis, Sharing a Bed, Slash, Texting, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-01 11:17:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15141908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_chiara/pseuds/just_chiara
Summary: In which Zach, Alex, Justin, Clay and Jess spend a weekend together at a cabin by the ocean, Zach and Alex fall for each other, Carolyn Standall figures it out first, and Justin ships them.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to [Don't Be a Jerk and Hug Me Back](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14888150), but can be read as a stand-alone.
> 
> Title: ASHES dIVIDE's song "Denial Waits"

Alex's mom is the first to figure it out.

There's the car rides to school in the morning and the PT sessions three nights a week. There's the Sunday afternoons doing homework in Alex's room and the Saturday nights out when they always come back just a few minutes past Alex's curfew. There's Alex often leaning on Zach's arm for support but rarely taking anyone else’s anymore; there's Zach's hands constantly looking for reasons to touch Alex and the way neither of them seems to be aware of it. There's Alex's sudden interest in sports. There's Zach's name always coming up whenever she has a conversation with her son and Zach's car parked in front of their house so often you'd think he moved in. There's their comfortable way of teasing each other and how Zach leans into Alex when they're talking.

There's the movies at the Crestmont and the rock concerts out of town, always the two of them. (Whenever she and her husband are reluctant to give Alex permission to go, here come Zach's reassurances that they don't need to worry because _He's got Alex_.) There's the two of them laughing when they play videogames and Justin shouting that they _Fucking need to focus_. (Justin's words, not Carolyn's.) 

There's Zach looking at Alex just a few seconds too long sometimes and Alex smiling just a little bit brighter when Zach is around.

They haven't realized it, not yet, but Carolyn Standall hasn't missed her son and his best friend falling for each other.

She doesn't love the idea of her son dating guys, but she doesn't hate the idea of her son dating _Zach_.


	2. Chapter 1

It's early morning and the school cafeteria is already too loud for Alex's taste. He's staring at his yogurt wishing it would turn into coffee and a chocolate brownie. He knows the chances of that happening are non-existent but staring and wishing is still better than actually eating it.

Justin, Clay and Jess are sitting at the same table. Clay is talking about something school-related but no one is actually paying attention. Jess is texting Nina; Justin is sleeping with his head on the table. It's still awkward between them. Justin can't look at Alex in the eye, Jess keeps apologizing to him, and Alex told them he's over it but still acts weird around them. Sometimes he wonders if Jess and Justin are not together because of him, and whether it would make him feel better or worse if they were dating. At least it would've meant something, right? At least they wouldn't have fucked everything up for a random hook-up. Despite it all, the three of them still hang out because they care about their friendship above all and are willing to push through a few months of awkwardness in order to save it.

Clay is still talking when Zach drops four containers of Froot Loops on the table next to Alex and then takes a seat on the bench. He's more awake than the four of them combined.

“Can you please take your sugary breakfast and enthusiasm towards life and go sit somewhere else? Some of us are trying to be miserable on this stupid Monday morning,” Alex says. He almost manages not to smile at Zach. Almost. Fuck him, his happiness is contagious.

“Yeah, how dare you come here and try to make our morning better?” Jess unashamedly steals a handful of Froot Loops from him. Alex looks at his sad, sad yogurt, then does the same. Zach would usually look threateningly at them, but today he doesn't seem to mind. He's bouncing on his seat.

“Why are you so happy, anyway?” Alex asks, dropping the colorful cereal into his yogurt. He eats a spoonful: it tastes much better now.

“I've got great news. Justin, wake up, you need to hear this, too,” Zach looks at Justin, who doesn't move. “Is he alive?”

Justin doesn't reply and still doesn't move except to give him the finger.

“He was up studying all night,” Clay says helpfully. “Which he wouldn't have had to do if he'd just followed my study plan.”

Justin moves his hand, raised middle finger and all, so that it's in front of Clay instead of Zach. He still doesn't make a sound.

Zach seems to decide that Justin is awake enough and goes on. “My uncle has a cabin with a private beach a couple of hours away from here and it’s available next weekend if we want to use it,” he smiles. “It’s nothing fancy and it’s quite small, too. We’ll have to bunk up. But the beach is great and we can do whatever we want for the whole weekend. No adults. No schoolbooks.”

Justin lifts his head from the table and looks at Zach. “For fucking real?”

“Yeah. So, are you guys in?” Zach isn’t even trying to contain his enthusiasm.

“Fuck yes,” Justin says, then looks at Clay. “We’re in, right?”

Clay hesitates but gives in almost immediately. He’s learned by now that his friends won’t take no for an answer when it comes to weekend plans. “I guess. My… _our_ parents shouldn’t be a problem.”

Zach looks at Jess next.

“You had me at private beach,” Jess says. “I’ll have to ask my dad but I’m sure I can get him to say yes.”

“Alex?” Zach tilts his head to the side and looks at his best friend. “You’re coming, right? You _have_ to come.”

Alex knows his parents are not going to love the idea. He also knows he cannot miss it, so he’s ready to beg and guilt them into saying yes. “I’m coming. You might have to kidnap me, but I’m coming.”

* * *

It takes three days of pleading on Alex’s part, a very convincing speech from Zach, a few phone calls to the other parents and a promise not to do anything even remotely fun, but in the end Alex’s parents cave in and give him permission to go.

“Drive away now before they change their mind,” Alex says as soon as he’s settled into the passenger seat of Zach’s Audi.

They decided to leave shortly after school on Friday afternoon in order to have an extra night away from home and a full day on the beach on Saturday. They meet with their friends at the Jensens' house and leave a few minutes later, with Clay's car following Zach's. Jess is riding shotgun in Clay's Prius, Justin is asleep in the backseat.

Four hours, three breaks and one stop at the supermarket for groceries later, they park the cars by an isolated cabin surrounded by trees. The beach stretches out in front of it, all golden shades and soft shadows at dusk.

The cabin itself is not as small as Zach would have them believe. It opens on a cozy living room with two sofas, a fireplace and a wooden table with six chairs. There’s a tiny kitchen to the left and three bedrooms in the back with a small bathroom nestled in between two of them. They let Jess take the room with a single bed. Clay and Justin take the one with the sofa-bed, leaving the biggest room to Zach and Alex. They make it look random but it isn’t: they know the sofa-bed is too low for Alex.

They are all damaged, all five of them, each in his or her own way. And they are all aware of each other's wounds so they do their best to help each other, to avoid hurting each other further. Alex gets a regular bed instead of a sofa-bed, they didn't bring any alcohol because Justin can't drink, nobody will mention Tony or Tyler because Clay still isn't okay after what happened at the dance, they all pretend not to notice that Zach drives 5 miles under the speed limit at all times, and Jess gets her own room because all four boys know how big a deal it is that she's even there with them. How deeply she is trusting all of them in spite of what happened. That night, an hour after going to bed, she will take her pillow and sleep on the floor of Clay and Justin's room. No one will say a word about that, either.


	3. Chapter 2

Zach drops their backpacks in a corner of the room, then points awkwardly at the double bed. “Yeah, uh, did I mention we'd have to...?”

Alex shrugs. “Doesn't matter. And to be honest I literally wouldn't care if I had to sleep in between Jess and Justin tonight, I'm just glad we're here.”

“I thought you said you're over it,” Zach reminds him.

“No, I said I'm over Jess.” Alex sits down on the edge of bed and looks up at Zach.

Not for the first time that day and definitely not for the first time that week, Zach forces himself to pretend he didn't feel the little tug at his heart that seems to be there every time Alex looks straight into his eyes or smiles at something he says.

“Are you okay? With being here with the two of them, I mean.” Zach sits down next to him. His arm brushes against Alex's. He feels a jolt of electricity run down his spine in response to the contact, sparking his entire nervous system awake. This is harder to ignore. “I should have talked to you before I invited them.”

“No, this is good, really. We need to get past it. I want to.” Alex absentmindedly runs his thumb over the handle of his cane.

“You know,” Zach says, “It's alright if you're feeling hurt or pissed off or whatever.”

“You sound like my shrink,” Alex smiles. “I guess it's, like, _fine_. I mean, I'm okay with being just friends with Jess and I'm not angry at her anymore. And Justin… Well, Justin loves her. I can’t really blame him for that, now, can I? They shouldn’t have slept together at the dance, but if there's one thing I've learned in the past year is that we all make mistakes and that one stupid decision cannot and should not define you as a person.”

Zach mimics what Alex just said: “You sound like a school counselor.”

“Whatever. But you get what I mean?” Alex waits for Zach to nod, then goes on: “So, yeah, I'm cool. I just wonder if she would have still chosen Justin if I hadn't been all fucked up, you know?”

“Dude, _please_ ,” Zach almost laughs because the idea is absurd. “A, Justin is way more fucked up than you are. And B, we're all fucked up. All of us. Probably everyone on the planet is. Some people are just better at hiding it.”

Alex seems to consider it for a moment. “I'm not fucked up enough for Jess, that's what you're saying?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Zach smiles. He can’t help but wonder if he’ll ever find someone who thinks he is just the right amount of fucked up. Alex is wondering the exact same thing. Neither of them mentions it.

Zach stands up. “I’m starving. Let’s have dinner.”

Alex gets up with Zach's help and follows him into the kitchen. Clay is organizing the groceries while Justin is generously buttering several slices of bread. Alex sits down at the table in front of Justin and starts topping the buttered slices with cheese. When Jess joins them in the kitchen ten minutes later, they are all huddled up around the stove arguing over the best way to make grilled cheese.

“You're all wrong,” she says before taking over.

* * *

Justin and Zach carry the table and chairs outside to the front porch and they have dinner there. They find some old board games inside and play Monopoly for hours after clearing the plates. The light coming from a solitary lightbulb in a corner is faint and the air is chilly: they don’t care.

Jess, bundled up in her jacket, sits with her legs against her chest. She’s hogging the tortilla chips. To her right, Clay pulls up his hood and buries his hands into his pockets. Justin is the only one who doesn’t appear to be cold even though he’s only wearing a t-shirt: he got used to it last winter on the streets. He keeps trying to put up his socked feet on Clay’s chair; Clay keeps pushing them down.

Alex is sitting in between Zach and Justin, with his back to the door. Jess is right in front of him. He looks past her, at the ocean. He’s wearing a thick sweater but can still feel the wind reach under it and touch his skin. Zach is sitting right next to him in a hoodie, with his long legs stretched out under Jess’s chair and his body slumped to the side. His left arm keeps brushing against Alex’s right one. Sometimes, when he laughs, his shoulder presses against Alex’s. Maybe that’s why Alex isn’t cold after all.

“Well, I need a hot chocolate if I’m going to keep losing all my money to Clay,” Jess says after a while. Justin follows her inside, offering to help.

“Since we’re taking a break, I better call my parents,” says Clay. “They’re worried about Justin. I told them there would be no alcohol or drugs but I don’t think they believed me. Don’t cheat, you two,” he adds, before walking towards the water’s edge with his phone in his hand.

Zach sits up and turns to look at Alex. Their arms are no longer touching and Alex realizes he misses it. The contact, the warmth, _Zach_.

“You okay?” Zach asks, seeing him shiver.

Alex nods, “Yeah.”

For a few moments, he looks at the waves crashing on the beach, rehearsing in his head what he wants to say. He’s reluctant to speak because he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. They’re having fun, they’re being normal teenagers, they’re not thinking about all the damage they’ve done and suffered: he doesn’t want that to stop. He really doesn’t. But he needs to tell Zach now because he might not get another chance at being alone with him before they go to bed, and he _definitely_ cannot tell Zach when they’re alone in the room they’re sharing.

He reaches out and rests his hand on Zach’s forearm, on the soft navy fabric. It’s Zach’s turn to shiver.

“Here’s the thing,” Alex says. “I have nightmares sometimes. Most nights, actually. And I hope I don’t wake you up but I might and…”

Zach doesn’t let him finish. “Alex, it’s alright. I had nightmares for months last summer. I still get them, sometimes. Especially after, you know, the dance. I know what it’s like. So, just, don’t worry about it, okay?”

Alex nods and squeezes Zach’s arm for a moment. They look at each other. There’s so much they could talk about: what the nightmares are about, how they deal with them, how sometimes they are scared of falling asleep, how they both listen to music to calm down – Alex in bed, Zach while he runs.

Zach pulls Alex into a hug instead. Sometimes you don’t need words.

Sometimes you need to feel the arms of your best friend around you, his fingers rubbing your shoulder, the softness of his hoodie against your cheek, his warmth becoming a shield against the weapons your own mind uses against you.

They are interrupted by Justin placing two mugs of hot chocolate on the table. (Whipped cream, marshmallows and some dark chocolate sprinkles on top – Jess takes hot chocolate very seriously.) The old Justin would have made a joke: “Get a room, you two. Oh wait, you’ve already got one, so fucking use it.”

The old Justin isn’t here tonight, though, so instead he shouts, “Group hug!” and then wraps his arms around both of them.

This is just one of the reasons why they all like the new Justin better.

* * *

They play games until past 2am, when Zach yawns – not for the first time – and announces he can’t keep his eyes open any longer and is going to bed. They all follow his example and sleepily get changed into their PJs and brush their teeth. Justin and Clay fight in quiet whispers about who gets which side of the bed. Zach and Alex close the door of their bedroom and get into bed. Alex takes the side closest to the door, because it’s easier this way.

He lies down on his back and stares at the ceiling in the darkness. He usually sleeps on his side, but then he’d be facing Zach. He’s feeling self-conscious. He doesn’t dare move. He keeps his breath as even and quiet as possible because he doesn’t want to bother his friend. He knows it’s irrational. He knows he should just relax,. It’s _Zach_. He has no reason to feel uncomfortable. He knows all that, but his mind is still restless.

The meds and the therapy are helping but anxiety is a bitch sometimes.

He feels Zach move beside him, rolling onto his stomach, then a gentle brush of fingertips on his arm. He turns his head to look at him.

“Can’t sleep?” Zach asks softly.

“Too many thoughts. Can’t shut off my brain,” Alex whispers back.

“Yeah, same.”

Zach’s fingers are still moving up and down Alex’s arm. Neither of them seems to be aware of it until suddenly they are. Alex tenses up, Zach pulls his hand away quickly. They both lower their eyes and pretend it never happened.

It takes them both a long time to fall asleep.


	4. Chapter 3

Zach is the first one to wake up the next morning. Alex is curled up on himself next to him, so close that Zach can feel the warmth of his body, hear his regular breathing.

Maybe it’s because Zach is still half asleep himself and his defenses aren’t up just yet. Maybe it’s the closeness. Maybe it’s because they’re away from home, from school, from judgement and expectations. He looks at his best friend and feels his heart twinge. He doesn’t fight the feeling this time. He doesn’t ignore it. He allows himself to feel it for a few moments, gives in to it.

Then, slowly, he gets out of bed, changes into shorts and a black tank top and goes for a long run on the beach.

It’s just his thoughts: no iPod, because all his playlists were made by Alex and that wouldn’t help right now. The physical activity helps him focus; he’s always been able to work through his emotions better when he’s exercising. It gives him clarity. There’s nowhere to hide on the beach, all he can do is confront his feelings head on.

_I like Alex. I like Alex. I like Alex._

_Fuck, I_ like _Alex._

* * *

When he gets back to the cabin, Justin is outside in tropical-printed swim trunks. He’s doing sit-ups on the beach. Apparently, Zach isn’t the only one trying to sweat out his feelings. Or something.

Zach lies down next to him and looks up at the sky as he catches his breath. Justin sits up and looks down at him. “You’re up early.”

“You too,” Zach pants.

“It’s best if I stick to a routine. Easier,” he admits.

He leans forward and starts doing push-ups. Zach automatically starts counting. When Justin wants to stop, Zach makes him do one more set, then another, and another, until Justin tells him to fuck off and lies down next to him, arms spread wide on the warm sand.

“You’re out of shape, Justin,” Zach teases.

“You’re still out of breath after your run, Dempsey,” Justin counters. They both laugh. It’s like the old times.

“I think I like someone,” Zach says after a while.

“You mean Alex.”

“What?” Zach sits up and looks at him. How the hell does _Justin_ know?

Justin barely reacts. “Man, c’mon, it’s not like you were subtle about it,” he says matter-of-factly.

Zach lies back down and stares up at the sky. “ _I_ didn’t know, so how the fuck did _you_ know? Wait, does _Alex_ know?”

“If he does, he didn’t talk to me about it,” Justin shrugs. “I think he likes you too, but I also thought you were flirting with him on purpose so what the hell do I know.”

“There is no flirting going on.”

Justin laughs at that. “Oh, Zach, there is _plenty_ of flirting going on. You seem to forget the notion of personal space when he’s around, you are always checking him out…”

“I check _on him_. I check that he’s okay. He might need help with something,” Zach says.

“Like standing up or walking? He can do that just fine on his own, he doesn’t need your hands all over him, you know.”

Justin is having _way_ too much fun with this. Zach punches him lightly on the shoulder, laughing, then tries to justify his behavior even though he knows it’s pointless. “He gets tired, okay?”

“And your face is like two inches away from his when you talk because…?”

“Shut up.”

Justin laughs out loud, with his whole body. “And you never smiled at me like you smile at him.”

“Are you jealous now?”

Justin shakes his head no. “Don’t even joke about it. I already fucked things up between him and Jess. He’s going to kill me if I do it again.”

Zach rolls onto his side and looks at Justin. “He’s not mad at you anymore, you know? He wants to get past it. You guys should talk about it.”

“I’ll try. Later.”

“Just don’t tell him about…”

“I won’t. I would never. You know I wouldn’t.”

Zach nods. He knows: he can trust Justin. Bryce would have told everyone, he would have made a joke out of it. He would have turned it into a weapon against both Zach and Alex.

But Bryce isn’t here. It’s like the old times, only better. Much better.

Zach sits up, stretches lazily, then swiftly stands up. “First one inside wins,” he challenges Justin. He gives him a second and a half to react, then starts running towards the cabin. Justin swears at him and calls him a cheat as he tries to catch up with him. Zach just laughs.

* * *

When Alex wakes up, all his friends are already outside on the beach playing football. It’s Zach and Jess against Justin and Clay, but only Zach and Justin are actually playing. Clay drops the ball every single time Justin tries to pass it to him and Jess is mostly just cheering Zach on.

Alex sits on the front porch with a cup of coffee and looks at them.

He wishes he could run over there and join them. It wouldn’t even matter that he would be just as bad as Clay. A year ago, he would have cared about that. A year ago, he would have made up an excuse not to play because of that. Now he’d give anything to be able to play embarrassingly badly.

“Coach would be ashamed of you, Justin!” shouts Zach.

Justin tackles him, even though Jess has the ball. “What’s he gonna say about you if _I_ can take you down this easily?”

Jess scores. Clay sits down and asks if he can go back to his book now. Alex can easily imagine Clay sitting quietly in the shade with a book just a little while ago and Justin all but dragging him to the middle of the beach to play. Justin probably called him “Grandpa” at some point. Clay surely threatened to drive home without him.

Alex looks away, considers going back inside. He knows they’ll stop playing if they see him there and that’s probably even worse. Still, he stays, he drinks his coffee, and when his phone buzzes with yet another text from his parents, he types: _all good. having fun._

He doesn’t notice Zach running up to him, but he’s standing there when he puts his phone away and lifts his head.

“Good morning,” Zach smiles wide. His hair is wet; Alex doesn’t know if he went for a swim or took a shower. Tiny drops of water fall onto his shoulders and glimmer in the sunlight.

“G’morning.”

Zach comes closer, as if he wants to sit down next to him. He reaches out automatically and smooths down Alex’s hair, still messy from the night. When he realizes what he’s doing, he pulls his hand away quickly and mumbles something about getting more coffee before disappearing inside.

Alex doesn’t notice his awkwardness: he’s too busy wishing he could have joined his friends on the beach rather than having Zach come over to keep him company. Still, he tries to act normal when Zach comes back with two cups of coffee. He shows him his phone. “My parents texted me, like, 150 times. Did they text you, too?”

“A couple of times, yeah. I told them you were still sleeping.” Zach keeps both his hands on the mug. Not because he’s cold but because he doesn’t know what to do with them. Should he rest one arm on the back of Alex’s chair? Would he usually do that?

Alex takes a sip of coffee. He’s quiet.

_Too quiet._

“You okay?” Zach asks.

Alex nods. “Yeah. Sorry. This is great. I just…” He sighs and doesn’t look at Zach. “I came outside and you guys were playing football and I felt… jealous. Or pathetic. Or probably both. And then you came here and I really want to tell you go back there and have fun but I also want you to stay here with me because I’m fucking selfish.”

“Alex, look at me,” Zach says. All his doubts are temporarily forgotten. The endless questions in his head are silent. All he can think about is _Alex_ and how he can make him feel better. He doesn’t overthink it, he simply gets closer to him, rests a hand firmly on his shoulder, and looks at him straight in the eye. “First of all, that wasn't football. I don’t know what it was, to be honest. Second, and most important, I’m exactly where I want to be, alright? So stop feeling bad. Just finish your coffee so we can go for a walk.”

He feels Alex relax. There’s no self-commiseration in his voice when he says, “My cane and the beach don’t really agree.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

Alex sleepily rests his head on Zach’s shoulder for a few seconds before going back to his coffee. Justin is watching them. He gives Zach the thumbs up. Zach hopes it means, _He’s totally flirting with you, too_.

* * *

Alex was right about his cane being useless on the beach. It keeps sinking and would surely make him fall so they leave it behind in front of the cabin. Zach secures one arm around Alex’s waist and lets him hold on to the other one for support.

“Let’s just lay down here,” Alex says as soon as they’re close enough to the water, the cabin just a few dozen feet away.

“A walk will be good for you.”

“I really don’t see how,” Alex sighs, but gives in and lets Zach take charge.

They walk in comfortable silence for a while. Alex complains about being tired a couple of times, but Zach has been training him long enough to know he can go on. It’s only when Alex stumbles twice in less than a minute that he agrees to stop and rest for a while.

They sit down facing the water. The waves almost reach their feet, falling just short of touching them. They are sitting so close together that the sleeve of Alex’s t-shirt blows in the wind and tickles Zach’s arm.

“I used to come here with my family,” Zach says after a while. He speaks softly. “We would leave from home so early in the morning that my dad usually carried May straight from her bed to the car without even waking her up. There’s a cafeteria not far from here. We always stopped there for breakfast before coming to the cabin. May and I spent every minute on the beach or in the water. I don’t even remember if we went back inside to eat. My dad taught me how to swim here and how to play baseball.”

He looks at Alex’s hand, which is now resting on his knee, comforting, then back at the ocean. “It’s the first time I’ve come here since he died. Last summer… I just couldn’t.”

“Are you okay?” Alex looks up at him. “Being here, I mean.”

Zach takes a moment to think about it. “Yeah. I am. I mean, it’s not okay but _I_ am okay. Does it make sense?”

Alex nods. “Yeah. Totally.”

His hand is still on Zach’s knee. He doesn’t move it. He wants to tell Zach that he should have told them before they came here, instead he says, “You should have told me.”

 _Me_ , not _us_.

Because they’re all friends, all five of them, but what he and Zach have is different. _More_.

“I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I was trying not to overthink it,” Zach says.

There are a lot of things Alex could say, but he doesn’t. He hugs him instead. His left arm shakes with the effort but he still wills it to move; his left hand can’t do much more than rest on Zach’s arm, but he makes up for it with his right arm around Zach’s waist. He pulls him close. Zach hugs him back right away. He closes his eyes when he feels the weight of Alex’s head on his shoulder. Alex’s hair tickles his skin. Zach hasn’t been so happy in such a long time.

No, not happy. _At peace._

He hugs Alex tighter and hopes he doesn’t pull away. He’s going to break his heart if he pulls away.

Alex doesn’t pull away; he sinks deeper into Zach’s arms and feels Zach’s heart beat a bit faster.

Zach wants to tell him how he feels; the moment seems right. He doesn’t expect Alex to say he likes him back, no matter what Justin said. It’s not why he’s telling him, anyway. He wants to tell him because he doesn’t want to hide anything from him, not anymore, and because he knows they can figure it out, the two of them.

“Alex?” he whispers. He loosens the embrace: he doesn't want to let go, not completely, but wants to be able to look at him when he speaks. His heart is beating furiously, he can barely hear anything else.

“Sorry,” Alex says, reluctantly pulling away. He wouldn’t mind hugging Zach for a bit longer, or for a lot longer, but he realizes hugs between friends, between guys, shouldn’t be that long. He feels the need to apologize for it. “That was, uhm, a really long hug. You’re turning me into a hugger.”

“Don’t say it like it’s a bad thing.”

Alex looks at him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. It’s nice being here with you.” _You_ meaning _Alex_. But it feels like he said too much so he backtracks: “You guys are the best.”

The moment is gone: he’ll tell him later. Or maybe the moment isn’t gone, exactly, but it’s easier to pretend it is than to admit he’s scared.


	5. Chapter 4

When they get back to the cabin it’s almost lunchtime. They make tacos and eat them on the beach. It’s windy and clouds are piling up in the sky, but they don’t care: they play in the water and take a thousand silly pictures. A few hours later, when it starts raining, they take shelter under the front porch with hot chocolate and a game of Clue. It’s only when the drizzle turns into a proper storm, complete with thunder, lightning and pouring rain, that they retreat inside. The wind is blowing the rain sideways against the cabin and the temperatures have dropped too much to stay outside. They put some music on and cook dinner together, then eat it on the couches.

After dinner, they use a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors to decide who does the washing up — which, depending on who you ask, is either extremely fair (that’s according to Alex and Justin, who win and go sit in the living room) o extremely unfair (that’s according to Jess, Zach and Clay, who get stuck with putting the leftovers away, washing and drying the dishes respectively.)

After a few minutes of silence, Alex sneaks a look at the kitchen to check that their friends are still in there cleaning up. He knows he's not going to get another chance so he’d better take it.

He looks at the boy sitting in front of him on the other couch. “Justin?”

Justin pockets his phone and looks at him awkwardly. (Which is a good word to describe every single interaction they've had since Alex found out what happened at the dance.)

“We're good,” Alex says. “I really mean it this time so you can, like, stop looking at me like I'm gonna beat you up with my cane every time we're in the same room.” They both smile at that, but Justin still looks tense so Alex goes on: “I'm over Jess and I'm cool if you guys want to date or whatever. I just hope we can be friends. I already told Jess and we're working on it. It's still a bit weird but we're getting past that: this weekend is helping. I'd like us to be friends, too. We always had fun, especially when Bryce wasn't there.”

“I'd like it, being friends," Justin says. "And I'm really sorry about...”

“Stop apologizing. It makes everything weird again. We're good.”

Justin finally relaxes. He nods. “So, since we're friends... Is there someone else now that you're over Jess?”

Justin smiles. Before Alex has a chance to answer, Jess comes out of the kitchen and sits down on the same couch as Justin but at the opposite end. “Hello, cheaters. Having fun, cheaters?”

“We didn't cheat!” Justin and Alex say at the same time.

“You _so_ did.”

“How do you even cheat at Rock-Paper-Scissors?” Justin asks.

They are still having the same friendly discussion a couple of minutes later when Clay and Zach join them. Clay makes to take the free spot next to Alex on the couch but Justin stops him: “Come sit down next to me, Clay. I miss my brother.”

“It doesn't matter how many times you call me brother, it doesn't make it less weird,” Clay says but takes a seat in between Justin and Jess. Zach plops down next to Alex and shoot Justin a look that somehow means _What the hell are you doing, stop it, don't meddle_ ; _Thank you, this is great_ and _I have no idea what to do, please help_ all at the same time.

Zach glances at Alex: the deep shadows cast by the low light make his features even finer than usual. He never thought of another boy as _beautiful_ , but that’s the first word that comes to his mind when he looks at Alex. He quickly looks away before Alex catches him staring.

“Let’s play _Would You Rather_ ,” Justin says. “I’ll start. Clay, would you rather have sex in front of your parents or watch your parents have sex?”

“Ugh, _dude_. Not even a warm-up question first?” Clay thinks about it for a moment. “I guess, watch them have sex. I’ve already walked in on them once, I’m scarred for life anyway.”

Jess looks shocked. “You _have_? How do you still look them in the eye?”

“I didn’t for weeks. Then denial kicked in, I think,” says Clay. He looks around. “Zach, would you rather be a good football player but your team always loses, or a bad football player but your team always wins?”

“Oh, I wanna win. I don’t care if I suck. A winner is still a winner and I’m better at basketball anyway. Mhm, Jess?”

She smiles, nervous. “Yes, Zachy?”

“Would you rather win a trip to Paris or Hawaii?”

“Paris, _duh_.”

Justin sighs. “This is boring. I don’t think you guys get the point of the game.”

Jess takes it as a challenge. “Oh, really? Well, Justin, would you rather… not have sex ever again in your life, or only have sex with the boys in this room… and disappoint them every single time?”

“Well, first of all, I find it unrealistic that I would disappoint anyone in bed,” Justin says. “That said, it’s a no-brainer: no sex is never an option, so the second one.”

“Wow, thanks, I can’t wait to have disappointing sex with you, too,” Clay jokes.

“It's going to be the best disappointing sex you'll ever have,” Justin promises. “Well, since we're going there... Alex?”

Zach shoots Justin a warning look, which Justin pretends not to see.

“Would you rather have great sex with, oh, I don't know, Zach,” Justin drops the name very casually, “for the rest of your life but only after you've had disappointing sex with me, or...”

Clay interrupts him, “Wait. I only get disappointing sex with you. Why does he get great sex with Zach after? That's not fair.”

“Life is unfair, get over it.” Justin looks at Clay for a second, then turns back to Alex. “So, great sex with Zach but only after having disappointing sex with me, or only have sex one more time in your lifetime with whoever you choose in the entire world?”

“So, I can have sex once with whoever I want and then never again, or only have sex with you and Zach for the rest of my life?” Alex asks, mostly because he needs time to think. It shouldn't be so hard. It's just a stupid game after all, and his answer doesn't really matter. It's not going to change anything.

Right?

“Exactly,” Justin confirms.

They're supposed to be two equally bad options, that's the point of the game. But Alex's body doesn't seem to mind the first option at all.

“Well, I'm too young to only have sex once more in my life,” he mumbles, before the silence becomes too long.

He's suddenly aware of how close Zach is. It's as if Justin's words woke up something inside him that he's been trying to silence for months, ever since their fight in the locker rooms. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

“Do you guys want me to leave so you can all have disappointing sex with Justin, then?” Jess says, breaking the tension in the room. They all laugh, including Alex.

“Please stay. _Please_ ,” Clay begs.

“Alright, but I'm gonna need comfort food if we keep playing this game,” Jess replies.

“I don't think there's any left, but didn't we buy milk and eggs so we could make pancakes?” Clay disappears into the kitchen with Jess. They hear him ask her if she knows how to make them.

Justin gets up as well. “They're gonna need help,” he says. The fact that he doesn’t know how to make pancakes is irrelevant: the point is leaving Alex and Zach alone.

Alex considers following him. He doesn't want to be alone with Zach right now. The only reason he stays seated is because he knows Zach would help him if he made a move to stand up and he couldn't handle Zach touching him right now.

“...you think?”

 _Fuck._ He completely missed everything Zach just said.

Zach notices his confusion. “Are you okay, Alex?” he asks, brushing his friend’s arm with his thumb like he always does to get his attention.

Alex tenses up. He doesn’t pull away, not exactly, but he retreats into himself. Zach stops touching him. “I’m fine, sorry. I was just thinking about something else. What did you say?”

Alex tries to act normal and Zach goes along with it, because what else is he supposed to do? He leans back against the backrest and says, “I was just wondering if between the three of them they can manage to make some pancakes. What do you think?”

“We had trouble making grilled cheese,” Alex reminds him. “I think those pancakes are doomed.”

Zach laughs. “Too bad, I was looking forward to them now.”

Alex wants to kiss him because he’s irresistible when he laughs. At the same time, though, he wants to push him away because he cannot be falling for Zach.

He _cannot_.

He _isn’t_.

He most definitely isn’t. His body is still messed up and reacts oddly sometimes, that’s all. He’s probably tired: he hasn’t slept well, hasn’t rested enough today. His mom may be on to something with all her dietary obsessions.

Hiding behind absurd excuses may seem ludicrous but it helps him regain control of himself and calm down. That’s what he needs right now: to calm down. If he has to tell himself that processed foods and sugar make you gay for your best friend in order to do that, so be it.

“Maybe we should go help them,” he suggests. He grips the armrest to push himself up and feels Zach’s hand on his elbow, supporting him. A shiver runs down his spine. He brushes it off by blaming the cold. The awkwardness between them slowly melts away as they step inside the tiny kitchen and let their friends’ banter fill up the space between them.

“Okay, I don't want to hear one word about it, but I've watched my mom make them for me so many times that I think I learned how to,” Zach says after a few moments.

Justin readily surrenders the pan and spatula to him. He could say that they would never make mama's boy jokes but instead he just pats his shoulder. He gives him space to work and goes to stand next to Alex.

“Thank you, Zachy,” says Jess. She puts down the bowl and whisk and stands on tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek and rub his back.

Alex feels a pang of jealousy. He has a hard time telling himself it's about Jess since he's spent weeks working out his feelings for her and he's certain he's over her.

“I'm here if you want to talk,” Justin offers quietly.

“She's not into Zach,” Alex whispers back. “And I'm over her anyway.”

“I know you're over her.”

Alex doesn't reply. He stands there and watches Zach lay one perfect pancake after the other on a plate. He definitely does _not_ notice how his white t-shirt stretches over his broad shoulders when he moves or the way he swings his hips when he flips a pancake.

* * *

Alex can't sleep that night. He lies in bed, stubbornly refusing to look at Zach, until he can't take it anymore. He gets up. He finds chamomile tea in the kitchen and makes himself a cup, then sits on the couch in the darkness trying not to think, not to feel. Trying to ignore the fluttering in his stomach he feels every time his mind wanders to his best friend. He knows the right word for that feeling but he wants so desperately to be wrong.

He _cannot_ like Zach like that.

He refuses to.

A year ago, it would have been different. He wouldn’t have cared about liking a boy back then. Well, he probably wouldn’t have announced it to Bryce and his friends, but he wouldn’t have _really_ cared. He was _normal_ a year ago so it wouldn’t have mattered if he was a bit different. There’s a delicate balance between blending in and setting yourself apart. We all want to be unique but we also want to belong. Especially at seventeen. He used to actively look for ways to stand out – his clothes, his hair, his nose ring, his _I-don’t-give-a-fuck_ attitude – because he wanted to be noticed. Now, all he wants is to be like everyone else: no cane, no scar, no semi-paralyzed left arm. He wants to drive and play his guitar and eat junk food without his mother worrying it’ll bring his depression back.

He already feels too different from his friends, he cannot be gay, too. He cannot bear one more thing setting him apart.

He just _can’t_.


	6. Chapter 5

Zach finds Alex asleep on the couch when he gets up the next morning. He goes outside and sits on the beach with a cup of coffee. The sky is clear after the storm from the night before and the air is crisp, but he can’t enjoy it. He's _hurt_. He hasn’t even told Alex how he feels yet, and things are already falling apart. Everything was okay until they hugged on the beach. After that, for some reason, it was awkward. Only a little, at first, then progressively more and more. Alex avoided his touch, and then he chose to sleep on the couch rather than next to him. That really stings.

He’s not even sure it’s worth talking to him now. How could it possibly end well?

He drinks his coffee and looks at the sea, changing his mind about a dozen times about what to do, what to say, whether to say anything at all.

When Justin wakes up, they go for a run together.

“It doesn't mean anything,” Justin says after a long stretch of silence. He's seen Alex asleep on the couch: it doesn't take a genius to make the connection between that and Zach's foul mood.

“Yeah, it does.”

Zach picks up the pace and Justin runs alongside him in silence for a bit, mulling over the right thing to say. Eventually, he settles for, “It might not mean what you think it means. He might be freaking out because he feels the same way.”

“He would talk to me,” says Zach confidently. “He _knows_ he can talk to me about anything.”

“This might be the only thing he can't talk to you about. I mean, have _you_ told him?” Justin retorts.

“I... I tried, okay? It's not easy. He doesn't even know that I'm...” Zach struggles to find the right word. Gay? Bisexual? He hasn't really thought about that. He's not sure he's ready to. “That I like guys,” he says eventually, in a whisper.

“Zach, whatever happens, he's not going to have a problem with _that_ ," guarantees Justin. “And, for what it's worth, I still think he's into you. He might just be confused. I mean, I didn't know he was gay or bi or whatever, did you? More importantly, did he?”

“No, because he isn't.”

“You don't know that.”

Zach doesn't reply and runs even faster instead. Justin manages to keep up with him for a few minutes but then his lungs force him to admit defeat. He slows down and walks a few steps into the water before diving in. The cool water feels good on his skin after the run. He comes back up a few seconds later, just as Zach joins him.

“You're too fucking tall,” he says.

Zach laughs. “You’re slow. You need to start training with me,” he says. “We must destroy Bryce's team next year.”

“Destroying them is not enough. I want to fucking _humiliate_ them,” Justin replies.

“Then train with me. What, are you scared?”

“Yes!”

They both laugh.

* * *

When Zach and Justin come back to the cabin, their friends are sitting outside having breakfast. Alex doesn’t give an explanation for sleeping on the couch and Zach doesn’t ask him about it. Neither of them even mentions it. They act normal with each other. Sort of. As much as they’re capable of.

Their friends can tell that something is off but it would be hard to say what exactly. There’s a distance between them. A stiffness in their usually relaxed conversation. A lack of physical contact. It’s negative space: not so much what’s there but what’s missing, not what they do but what they don’t do. There’s no casual touching, no leaning into each other, and they barely look at each other in the eye.

When they pack up and leave just after lunch, Alex somehow ends up in Clay’s car. Zach is hurt by this but also relieved because the prospect of long hours alone with Alex in a confined space wasn’t something he was looking forward to right now. He lets Jess pick the music and focuses on the conversation with her rather than the one he knows he needs to have with Alex. He’s dreading that one. It’s going to change everything and he’s almost positive it’s not going to be for the better.

That night, at home, while he plays chess with his sister, he thinks about what he’s going to say and tries not to imagine what Alex is going to do.

Through all this, he _misses_ him. That’s probably the worst part: that he can’t talk to him about it. He wishes he could text him, see him, tell him everything. He always feels better after sharing his fears or insecurities with him.

“Are you sad, Zach?” May asks after a while.

A part of him wants to lie and say no to protect her from knowing that her big brother is not invincible. But he tells her the truth because she needs to know that it’s okay to admit you’re sad and she’s not going to learn that from their mother. “Yeah, I’m a bit sad tonight.”

“Sometimes I’m sad, too,” she says, then she climbs onto his lap and hugs him.

At least he’s doing _something_ right.


	7. Chapter 6

Alex is lying in bed, curled up on his side. It’s Monday morning and his alarm already rang twice but he has no intention of getting up. He can’t: he’s too tired. He asked a lot ( _too much_ ) of his body during the weekend and it left him exhausted. Keeping up with his friends is not as easy as he makes it look: when simply standing up takes a lot out of you, the little challenges no one else is even aware of add up quickly.

If he wanted to, if he really wanted to, he _could_ get up, get dressed and get to school. He’s almost sure of it. He’s learned in PT that after you’ve given it everything you’ve got, sometimes you discover that you can give a little more. Just a little. Sometimes that’s enough. He thinks it should probably be enough to get him through the day.

Here’s the thing, though: he doesn’t really want to go to school today. Or, if he’s being honest, he doesn’t really want to see Zach today.

“Mom?” he calls.

She opens the door a moment later, as if she was standing right outside listening for movement inside the room. As if she was looking at the time and wondering whether she should check on him. _As if_.

“Are you feeling okay, Alex?” she asks when she sees him: still in bed, looking miserable.

He can fake being ill in order to avoid school. He’s done it before and he’s good at it. He doesn’t need to fake it today, though. “Not really,” he says. “I’m very tired.”

He’s ready for her to say that he should have stayed home last weekend like she wanted him to, but instead she sits down next to him and brushes his hair back with her hand like she used to do when he was a child.

“Why don’t you stay home from school today?” she says. When he nods, she adds, “I’ll bring you breakfast.”

She rubs his back for a few moments before getting up, because he’s a teenager and he doesn’t usually let her take care of him. Not like this. She knows for sure he is not pretending when she kisses his hair and he doesn’t roll his eyes.

When she leaves, Alex texts Zach to let him know he doesn’t need a ride to school today. A small part of him is aware that only last week he would have waited for Zach to come up to his room and told him in person, just so he could see him for at least a few minutes.

* * *

Alex texts Zach.  
  
Alex: feeling lousy, not coming to school today  
  


* * *

Zach looks at his phone right before starting the car and sees the text. His first thought is that Alex isn’t feeling well and he needs to know why and how he can fix it. He types, _what’s up? is everything okay?_

He hesitates, then deletes the message without sending it. His finger hovers over the Call button for a few moments but he can’t bring himself to push it because his second thought is that Alex doesn’t want to see him or talk to him. So much so that he’s not even going to school today.

Still. Still, he might not be pretending to be sick after all. Maybe none of this has anything to do with Zach. Maybe he’s struggling again and doesn’t know how to ask for help. He quickly goes through the list of warning signs of depression and suicidal tendencies. He doesn’t even need to google it, he has it memorized.

He thinks about the last few days, the last few weeks. He doesn’t think Alex is in trouble, but how do you know for sure? How can you _ever_ be sure?

 _u okay? wanna talk?_ , he types. Then he realizes it’s a dumb question: Alex just texted he’s feeling lousy so of course he’s not okay. It doesn’t mean he’s thinking about killing himself.

He tries again: _i’m worried about you, can we talk?_

He deletes this one, too. It feels like too much especially since it’s probably nothing.

It is nothing, isn’t it?

He throws his phone on the passenger seat. It shouldn’t be so hard to talk to your best friend. Even if you have a crush on him and don’t know how to tell him, you should still be able to talk to him about everything else.

He sighs, then calls Alex’s mom and tells her about the text he got from Alex. He asks if he should be worried; he doesn’t need to say about what. She assures him that Alex is just tired from the weekend and will be fine tomorrow. He can tell that she’s not just saying it: she has considered the possibility, has really looked at Alex, and has come to the conclusion that he is, ultimately, _fine_. Feeling relieved, he mentions he might stop by after school.

“You’re a good guy, Zach. A good person,” Carolyn says, avoiding on purpose to use the word _friend_. “I’m glad Alex has got someone like you in his life.”

“Alex… Alex is great,” he mumbles, because she catches him by surprise. “Uh, could you maybe not tell him that I called? I don’t want him to feel smothered.”

She promises to keep it a secret and reminds him he’s always welcome for dinner before hanging up.

He texts Alex quickly, then starts the car and drives to school.

* * *

Zach texts Alex.  
  
Zach: :(  
  



	8. Chapter 7

Later that day, after school and homework, Zach rings the bell of the Standalls’ house. Carolyn opens the door with a smile.

“Hi, Zach. Come in,” she says. “I was just about to go to work, I’ve got a night shift. You’ll find Alex in his room.”

She doesn’t need to walk him upstairs: he knows the way. He’s spent so much time in this house in the past few months that he feels at home here, but his heart is racing when he gets to Alex’s bedroom. The door is open but he still knocks, mostly because he’s nervous.

Alex is in bed, wearing sweatpants and an old t-shirt that reads, _Humans aren’t real_. He looks like he recently woke up from a long nap. There’s a cup of tea on his nightstand, still steaming, and a plate with half an apple and a PBJ sandwich (whole-wheat bread, organic peanut butter, sugar-free jam – Zach is 100% sure of that.)

“Hey,” Zach says, hoping to sound casual. “Feeling better?”

“Hey. Yeah, I was just tired, I guess.” Alex looks down at his hands. They feel like a safe place for his eyes to focus on. Safer than Zach’s body, or hair, or lips.

Zach tentatively steps inside the room. There’s a chair pulled up next to the bed; he stands behind it, using it as a shield. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands so he grips the back of the chair. Tightly. “You didn’t miss much,” he blurts out to fill the silence, even though what he wants to say is, _I missed you_.

He looks at Alex. Delicate features and messy hair, sleepy eyes and nervous hands. Zach wants to taste his lips, feel his body pressed against his own as he holds him tight, run his fingertips over the tiny tattoos on his arms, just below his elbows, and see how their hands fit together. His throat is tight with the need to touch him, his chest heavy with longing. He buries his hands into his pockets.

“You can sit down,” Alex says. “I mean, if you’re staying…?”

He hopes he stays. He hopes he leaves, too.

Zach spins the chair around and sits down straddling it. He rests his arms on the back of the chair, using it both to brace himself for the conversation he’s about to have and to shield himself from potential rejection.

Alex dares to look at him for a moment and his heart breaks. He’s never seen Zach so nervous, so vulnerable. He’s seen him hurt and worried and upset, sure, but he’s always been confident with him. He knows it’s his fault: he’s been so busy putting space between them and erecting a Wall of Denial, that he hasn’t even thought about how Zach would feel about that. “I’m sorry, I’ve been an asshole,” he says sincerely. “I know we’ve been pretending like I haven’t, like everything’s normal, but maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Alex, you haven’t…”

“No, I _have_. I’m kind of dealing with something and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.” Alex reaches out and puts his hand on Zach’s wrist for a few moments. He feels Zach shake. Or maybe it’s his hand that shakes, he can’t be sure.

“I just… I thought maybe I did something wrong,” admits Zach. “It’s kind of my specialty, fucking things up.”

Alex shakes his head no. “ _Please_. I’m a gold medalist in fucking things up. You wouldn’t even qualify for the Olympics.”

“Do you want to talk about it, the thing you’re dealing with?” Zach looks at him. When he sees Alex hesitate, he asks, “Is it… Are you feeling… Are you feeling the way you felt when you tried to…?”

“No!” Alex says right away. “My head’s a mess but in a totally different way. I’m not even remotely feeling like that.” Alex takes in the almost imperceptible way Zach’s shoulders relax, as if some weight was taken off them. “Were you worried?” he asks softly.

Zach looks at him like he asked the most obvious question in the entire universe. “Alex, _of course_ I was worried.”

He doesn’t tell him that he will always be worried, he will always wonder, he will always be afraid of getting another phone call like the one he got last winter. Or an even worse one. He doesn’t tell him that he called his mother this morning and that the alternative was to rush over here and check on him himself. He doesn’t tell him that he holds his breath every time Alex doesn’t reply to a text right away.

Alex has scars from his suicide attempt. Zach, too.

“I’m sorry.”

Zach pats his shoulder to let him know it’s all forgiven. “So why is your head a mess, then?”

“I think,” Alex takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment. The next words he says are barely a whisper, “I think I might be gay.”

It catches Zach by surprise. He was expecting Alex to say something about Jess, or his disability, or maybe about having guessed Zach’s feelings for him. This isn’t something he was ready for, probably because he didn’t dare hope for it. He reaches out to squeeze Alex’s shoulder. “It’s not, like, a bad thing,” he says awkwardly.

“It’s easy for you to say. If you were gay, you’d still be a tall, athletic, popular guy with great hair. I’m the skinny, broken kid with a cane. If you add _gay_ to that description, I’m going to drown in pity or get the shit beaten out of me or both.”

Zach moves the chair closer to the bed, so close that his knees touch the duvet. He leans forward against the back of the chair and rests his hand on Alex’s arm. “A, I’m the half-Asian kid who left the baseball team and told the world how he lost his virginity. B, you’re not broken and nobody’s gonna beat the shit out of you, _no way_. And C,” his voice loses some confidence, “I think I like guys, too. So there’s that.”

“You do?” Alex asks, with the same surprised voice he would use if Zach just told him he rides unicorns on Thursday nights.

“Well, I like _one_ guy. I don’t know about all the other ones.” Zach’s heart is pounding furiously in his chest, as if it was trying to crack his ribs and break free. His throat feels so tight that the next words have a hard time getting through: “I like _you_.”

He doesn’t give Alex time to say anything and starts rambling on. “It’s what I came here to tell you. Actually, it’s what I’ve been trying to tell you since Saturday, but it never seemed to be the right time. And I had a whole speech in my head. I was going to tell you that I know you’re straight and you don’t like me that way and that’s okay and I’ll get over it and I hope I’m not making things uncomfortable. But then you said that maybe you _are_ gay so maybe you like me, too, or you _could_ like me. Unless you already like another guy.” His mind is spinning out of control. “Is it Justin? Oh, _fuck_ , is it…?”

Alex interrupts him before he chokes on his own words. “Zach, stop, stop,” he smiles nervously. “It’s you. Of course it’s you.”

 _Of course_.

Their eyes meet for the first time that day. Zach is smiling more easily. He still seems nervous, but the excited kind of nervous rather than nerve-wracking. “Of course, uh?”

Alex laughs, flustered. “Yeah, of course. Who else?” he says. “C’mon, _Justin_ , seriously? That triangle doesn’t need any more complications.”

Zach’s fingertips are tracing delicate lines on Alex’s arm. He moves his hand on top of Alex’s and their fingers intertwine. “Agreed,” he says. “So…”

“So,” Alex says expectantly. A wave of happiness washes over him and fills his chest, enters his bloodstream and goes up to his head making him dizzy. Drunk with bliss. The rhythm of his heartbeat drowns out the screams of his insecurities. He’s not thinking about what everyone else will say or what will happen or how is he going to tell his parents. There’s only Zach and the intense craving for him.

Nothing else matters, nothing but Zach.

“So…” Zach repeats. He gets up and moves the chair aside. He sits on the bed, facing Alex, with his right leg bent and resting on the mattress. He bites his lip. “This is better.”

He takes Alex’s hand again, the left one this time, and Alex rests his right one on Zach’s waist. “Yeah, much better.”

Zach inches closer and leans in. The air between them is charged with wound up energy. It’s Alex who closes the distance between them and touches Zach’s lips with his own, just a gentle brush at first, then more confidently. Alex’s lips are soft and taste of apple. Zach rests his free hand on the nape of Alex’s neck and rubs it gently, then runs his fingers through Alex’s short hair.

They pull away slightly to look at each other. Zach smiles. He frames Alex’s face with his hand and then kisses him again. Instead of pulling him towards him, he gently pushes him back this time, until Alex is lying with his back against the pillows and Zach’s body pressed against his own. Alex feels a slight stir in his pants. He enjoys the closeness of Zach’s strong body, his weight on top of him.

He moves his hand to rest on Zach’s back and feels the heat of his skin through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. Their hearts race to the same rhythm as the kiss deepens. Zach finds a sensitive spot on Alex’s neck and rubs it with his thumb. When they come up for air, Zach rests his forehead against Alex’s. Their noses brush against each other and they smile.

“I think this confirms my theory about being gay,” Alex says after a while.

“Yeah, that was a _really_ good kiss,” Zach agrees. He sits up but doesn’t let go of Alex completely, he places one hand firmly on his side and leaves it there.

“I have no idea how I’m going to tell my dad. I think it’s, like, his worse nightmare, or close enough,” Alex says. “And school is going to be…”

Zach interrupts him before his fears take over. “We don’t have to tell anyone right away. We can take it slow, one step at a time.”

He’s worried, too, obviously. His mother is probably going to pretend he’s straight even if he kisses Alex right in front of her, and his grandparents are likely to disown him. But right now he doesn’t want to think about that. “We deserve to be happy for a while before things get messy again,” he says.

“It’s gonna get messy alright when my dad shoots you for making me gay,” Alex says, but he’s joking. They both laugh.

Zach brushes his hair back. “Justin knows, by the way. Not about you or us, but he knows that I like you.”

“Oh, there’s an _us_ now?”

“Well, I don’t know, I mean, I thought…”

“Relax,” Alex smiles. “Of course there is an _us_. I don’t know what that means exactly but I think we should, like, try to figure it out?”

Zach looks at him. “Like, a date?”

Alex shrugs as if he doesn’t care, but his smile betrays him. “Yeah, like a date. Maybe.”

“Yeah, that sounds… I would like that.” Zach licks his lips, then says, “Where are you taking me?”

“Uhm, can we go out of town so there are no parents or people from school or whatever?”

Zach moves his hand up and down Alex’s side in lazy strokes. “We can totally go out of town,” he says.

Alex thinks about it for a second while he runs his fingers up Zach’s arm. “And can I…?”

“You are not driving my car, Alex. _Ever_.”


	9. Epilogue

The next day, Zach picks up Alex in the morning as usual. They sneak a kiss in the kitchen when Alex’s dad goes upstairs to get dressed, and hold hands for a few moments in the car, but try to act normal once they get to school. It’s not easy since they cannot take their eyes off each other whenever they are in the same room. Even when they aren’t, focusing on anything else is simply impossible. At lunch, Alex almost knocks down a bottle of orange juice when Zach’s knee brushes against his own.

Justin looks at them, rolls his eyes, and wonders how the entire cafeteria hasn’t exploded in a burst of frustrated sexual energy. He decides to take things into his own hands if they don’t do something about it themselves.

So, later that day, after school, when he’s sitting at Monet’s with Alex, he’s thinking of a way to approach the subject. They’re waiting for Zach, Jess, Clay and Chloe to join them for a study group session. They’ve got schoolbooks, notebooks, pens and highlighters spread out on the table in between cups of coffee and pastries.

Justin takes a sip at his coffee and Alex not-so-accidentally chooses that exact moment to tell him, “You know, Zach is a really good kisser.”

Justin almost chokes on his coffee. “I fucking knew it!” he says loudly, then lowers his voice. “Not that he’s a good kisser,” he adds, before Alex misunderstands and throws his coffee at him. “That you were into him, that you guys were into each other.”

“We are,” Alex smiles and picks up his mug, a salted caramel mocha with almond milk which Justin almost refused to order for him earlier because _Coffee shouldn’t be so fucking complicated_.

“I’m happy for you guys,” Justin says. He really means it, too.

There will be a first date and a first time, a first fight and a second one. There will be hard moments and even harder ones, but there will be happy ones, too. Looking back a few years from now, they’ll see that the good definitely outweighed the bad.

 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I loved sharing this with you.  
> More fanfics in the same 'verse are coming because I can't seem to stop writing these two.


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